The First Step....

 

The morning throws up the usual phantoms. The unresolved issues and angers of life. And of course "writ large is fear"; well that's what M said. How was it she described it, the spokes of an umbrella? All of these things connecting.

Do one thing that scares you every day. Now when everything is scary, that's not so easy. It's scary not yet to have decided what is for dinner tonight, that I haven't cleaned out the fridge of all the food leftovers that are never going to be eaten; the reason they are there in the first place is that how I grew up, nothing is ever thrown away, there is so little of it, we couldn't afford to throw anything away.

It is still difficult to get down to things, when everything seems in such a mess. Sometimes it is difficult to breathe... although it's a long time since I've had a panic attack. Even saying that leaves me fearful that one might occur.

Ah the phone rang. A. Interruptions do happen when I haven't set boundaries. But that's difficult too. Because I don't know when I'll begin emitting a stream of consciousness... hard to say what the boundary is.

"Everything is everything
what is meant to be will be
after winter, must come spring
change it comes eventually." - Lauryn Hill

So what's on today's menu, worry about what's for dinner? worry about going for a walk? worry about worrying? ... every so often, I look at all this and realise that there is no point worrying, no point at all. But the problem is that my worrying mind usually gets to me in the morning before my calmer mind says, hey give it a rest.

Begin...